yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
