Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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