my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize