I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
