the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
