I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
