Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize