i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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