I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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