Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
