I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
