remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
