it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
