Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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