The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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