So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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