They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
sarcasm needs its own font
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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