My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
