turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
