i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
