Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
