Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize