Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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