i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
