I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
