I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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