Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
