nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize