I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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