My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
