i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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