so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
it was like his penis was on wheels.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
