So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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