I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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