You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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