i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
