Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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