I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
