Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
where are you?
Hypothermia
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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