I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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