yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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