as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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