nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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