Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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