Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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