We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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