I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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