omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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