Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
