She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I touched a dick in church today
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
