literally had 100 drinks last night.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
