For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize