I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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