Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
