I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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