Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
