I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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