i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Randomize
