Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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