I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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